I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
