her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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