You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
