saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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