I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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