Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Everything about him screamed your future.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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