Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
