I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
