I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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