i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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