Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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