so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
