just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
