The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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