I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize