textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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