Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
