I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
