go do what you do best...puke behind churches
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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