i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
