i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
