college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
