My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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