Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
