This is not my ceiling
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Randomize
