dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
