you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
