I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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