I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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