i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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