those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
