my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
