Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
