Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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