He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
