she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Oh god it's open bar.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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