i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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