i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
