the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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