I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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