Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
