96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Sext me about skeletons
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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