Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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