is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
porn star boner night. come get it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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