i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
