I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
