you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
