One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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