best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
