You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
