i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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