We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
