Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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