life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
