Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
