i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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