I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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