If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
