good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
