The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
